Reflections
Seeking to change
your body,
your mind,
your relationships
by appealing only to logic
is like trying to steer an 18-wheeler
with your pinkie.
You will be frustrated,
your hand will hurt
and
you will continue in the same direction.
Knowing the facts only get you so far.
But when you get your
emotions
and
values
behind changing directions,
the truck nearly drives itself.
“No one ever pays attention when I speak.”
When someone speaks with absolute words -
always,
never,
ever,
none,
nothing,
no one -
listen carefully.
When your mind uses absolute words,
“My plans never work out.”
pay attention.
When spoken negatively,
there is hurt and pain.
When spoken positively,
“I always get my man.”
an aspiration is underlying.
Listen carefully
and remember,
just as green leaves discover
in the fall,
the only absolute is change.
The work of love
is the hardest work
you will never stop doing.
When your cage gets rattled,
it’s time to ask
why you live in one.
When you stuff it down -
the hurt,
the anger,
the sadness -
it’s like a jack-in-the-box.
You think you’ve hidden Jack away,
by pushing him down,
closing and locking the lid,
but you’ve just loaded the spring.
You think you’re keeping these feelings at bay
but you’re just turning the crank.
Angry,
hurt,
sad Jack
is going to pop up
at an unexpected time
and everyone is going to
jump.
A jack-in-the-box
is a fun toy for children,
but no way to handle
your emotions.
They sneak in
right after you have
cleaned up
your thinking,
your confidence,
your self-assuredness.
They come spraying their
loud colors of
self-doubt,
self-questioning,
self-depreciation.
When finished,
their work is all you can
see,
feel,
think about.
But it’s not the truth.
It’s just spray paint.
Once,
I bought a book in which
the previous reader
had filled the margins
with notes.
It was difficult to read
with the margins stuffed
full of inky words and thoughts.
I put the book down.
For weeks, I tried
to read this
stuffed margin book,
to no avail.
Even though the notes were thoughtful,
insightful even,
the clutter was too much.
I ended up buying a different copy.
In print and design,
margins give space to words and images
allowing them to breathe,
allowing the reader’s eyes
to float easily
from line to line,
from shape to shape,
allowing the mind
to connect more easily
idea to idea.
Without enough space,
even the most beautiful
words and images
cannot fully show themselves.
I began to think about my personal margins.
I looked at my calendar.
The margins had all been stuffed full.
I had left no space for real
thought,
connection,
freedom.
No wonder I wanted to walk away,
put my life down
like a
margin-stuffed book.
The difference:
I couldn’t buy a new life.
But I could create my own margins.
When he saw the other kid getting
more toys,
better stuff,
more attention
the 5 - year old stood,
arms at the side,
fists clenched,
and screamed,
“When is it my turn?!”
Life would be better,
he thought,
if I had what she has.
She’s got it all.
His parents told him it wasn’t polite to yell.
He began to understand politeness,
but still wanted
what he thought others had.
So the voice went inside.
He
longed for,
lusted over,
coveted
what he thought others enjoyed,
but he didn’t.
“When will it be my turn?”
his mind was asking more insistently.
The more the question
came to mind,
the more evidence
he gathered against himself.
“I just haven’t earned it yet.”
he thought and worked longer hours.
“I haven’t found the right formula.”
he said to himself, purchasing one more
online course.
Even as he grew,
accumulated friends and lovers,
jobs and income,
the 5 - year old in his mind kept screaming,
“When is it my turn?!”
And he was always unsettled.
Then,
one day while scrolling through Facebook,
seeing the smiling, successful faces,
he heard his inner 5 - year old scream,
but this time
he realized,
“I’m not 5 anymore.
I don’t have to wait for my ‘turn’
to have fun,
to enjoy who I’m with,
to care,
to know my work is meaningful, valuable,
to work hard and do good work.
My turn is,
and has always been,
now.”
This was the day he began to grow up.
If you are
frustrated,
continually chewing
on a
challenge,
an issue,
a road block,
just remember,
oysters
make
their problems
into
pearls.
Keep chewing.
Every. Single. Day.
We like our sums to be nice and tidy.
1 + 1 = 2
Our educational system,
our economic system,
teaches us to appeal to logic
to see the outcomes.
If we have a problem,
we just need more data.
Right?
The problem is
human behavior doesn’t add up.
We don’t respond
rationally
or
logically
(sorry Spock).
Study after study proves
we respond
emotionally,
tribal-ly,
fearfully.
So if we are going to affect
behavior,
productivity,
well-being
for ourselves,
our community,
our team,
our business,
we’re going to have
to care more about
the messy lives of people
and
less about tidy sums.
Because ultimately,
people aren’t an abacus.
